Insomnia

My goal has been to try to post about once a week. The minor problem of an attempted coup in my country's capital drained me of all ambition this week.

I've hardly slept. That's not uncommon for me, I'm a chronic insomniac. Today I fell asleep around 8a.m. and woke about an hour later to my partner stroking my face. I had been crying in my sleep. The nightmare had nothing to do with the attack on the capital (my sister was leaving her husband and marrying someone else, wouldn't listen to me that it was a bad idea and I had been weeping for her) but it was the coup too.

I haven't been able to write. I felt like I couldn't write not about the coup. And I had nothing to say about it that hadn't already been said. I can't believe this is happening in my own country, I can't believe the president didn't do everything he could to stop it, where were the police reinforcements etc.

I've been walking around in a fugue. I've stared at the TV, I've combed social media for more news. I've eaten, I've tried to sleep.

Finally I made a social media post that was just about my cat, nothing about the coup. I changed my profile picture from an image of the Statue of Liberty covering her face in shame to a shot of me in my swimsuit on a hot summer day in July. I had a good long talk with a friend. She came over to pick up supplies for a charity drive she was running and we sat out in the January night on the porch for social distancing. One small nod to with with a "crazy week, huh?" then we drinks and talked about everything but the coup. We discussed some deep shit. I mean, deep dark shit. It was purifying. It was almost good to remember other problems in our lives.

I'm tired.

I'm tired of seeing historical events on TV or even in person.

I'm tired of the politicization of basic human rights issues.

I'm tired of the two-party system.

I'm tired of Trump's stupid fucking face. His voice. His idiotic half sentences, trailing off with the implications he means to be heard but is smart enough not to directly say out loud.

I'm tired of fighting. With family. With acquaintances. With people on the internet I don't know.

I'm tired of it all. And I feel myself becoming numb. And I know I can't let myself go there. I can't become complacent. I can't let myself relax just because it's easier.

I bought some winter flowers to make a window box. I participated in the charity drive. I made a social media post that had nothing to do with the coup. I'm gonna keep going. Even though I'm so tired.

But I'm an insomniac. I'm used to that.